Latest News and Updates for Blowfunkle
Blowfunkle’s origins are somewhat hazy, and marred by the illegitimate way in which they finally came together.
Crime Lord Hosin Chuwah of Macclesfield, in the North of England, came across the members when they attempted to mug him whilst on a business trip to Hull – also of the North of England. Rather than have them tortured and executed, which was well within his power, he took a liking to the energy of the young group and decided to make them a focal point of one of his criminal ventures.
“The idea was simple,” Mr Chuwah recalls. “we were to use the band as front to move hard drugs and women around the country. It worked well at first, real well. Once things got under way we were literally making hundreds of pounds a month. Hot meals changed from being the exception to the rule. It was perfect, too perfect.”
Before long the audiences showing up to the gigs were singing along with the words. They’d bring banners, and attempt to physically touch members of the band when the opportunity presented itself.
“It was unbelievable,” Robi, guitarist of the band laughed. “It was like people thought we were a real band.”
It was at this point the members of Blowfunkle decided to go straight, leave the human trafficking behind, and try and make a legit career out of making music.
“When we told Mr Chuwah,” Robi continues. “He went quiet at first, then ballistic. He started loading his gun, so we started running, and it’s been that way ever since.”
The band remain in a state of hiding, making mainstream success all the more difficult to achieve, but they are optimistic that they can break through.
“We have to plan our moves carefully.” Alan, drummer of Blowfunkle, let slip. “So far Mr Chuwah has mistakenly had the drummer of the punk band ‘Outer Labia’ castrated, and all members of the Neo-Nazi death metal band ‘All you need is Love’ savaged by a feral Frenchman. We’ve been lucky so far.”
“They have somehow managed to stay one step ahead of me.” Mr Chuwah concedes. “But it’s only a matter of time. The people should enjoy and appreciate Blowfunkle’s music while they still can, because I will end them very soon.”
Here we be chumps.
Jumbly here, reporting from deep within the cabal of Blowfunkle. They say buying a chicken, having sex with it and then preceding to cook and devour the bird is a victimless crime. While I agree with the sentiment the point addresses, I don’t eat chicken any more on account of my pact with the avian overlord we ran into on a bad trip back in 2011.
The future looks bright for the band, the road calls but unfortunately for them they don’t speak it’s language (Danish) and so they remain in a state of writing and working out how to record their music for future generations to puzzle over. Live tracks for now it seems.
They have a few gigs in the diary, and are flattered by the support they have received so far. A modified cover of ‘Secret Agent Man‘ was brought up at the 0500 meeting today, with the suggestion of changing the lyrics to ‘Secret Asian Man’ in honour of the active and persistent bounty hunter who has been spotted at a couple of the shows. It lost the third round of voting by 42 votes, and so hope of hearing it any time soon looks dead in the water.
A shipment of T-shirts has allowed the band to sell some merchandise at gigs, and stay warm between shows. That idea was a win-win, which is more than can be said of the solar powered vibrator Robi keeps trying to get off the ground. With only 80% of the £150K investment he believes the product needs to break the markets being currently secured, the remaining funds are as illusive as the product testers.
Debbie is as far away as ever it would seem.
May the 4th be with you.